70%

When i first started losing weight i was at 279 exact. I had always wanted to lose weight and tried every diet. Before being successful in my journey the only thing any one ever helped me with was helping me feel nasty about myself.

When they say fix your relationship with food first then things will fall into place they were right.
I was always a very heavy kid.
I remember being a size 14 in the 2nd grade.
My mom drank a lot and she separated from my dad who was adicted to hard core drugs. addiction often runs in families, I believe that instead of being an alcoholic I became addicted to food. 
Growing up in los angeles was horrific. I was a minority and I was fat. Everyone made fun of me. even if it was a joke it wasnt funny. I could never take a joke. My mom would pinch my fat and say, "whats this fat ass!" or ask me why I waddled all the time.
my sister was the skinny one. i was always jealous of her. wanting to be thin.
our childhood together was a sad one, but i dont really want to go into details since this is a blog about my weight loss.
I've had to cope with a lot of heart ache.
i eventually found that with exercise it helps me emotionally get through these barriers.
well i remember when i moved to utah from LA thats when i first started really trying to lose the weight.
All the girls in highschool were super skinny and they all had what i didnt. I wanted it. I wanted it all. I always thought that having it all gave me life.
I later found out that its not. Having it all doesn't mean happiness. It's finding yourself and inner beauty.
When someone first said "inner beauty" i thought they meant, after all the fat you'll be pretty. Inner beauty is the soul. Inner beauty is the thought, light and glow about your personality.
Inner beauty is that last voice in your head, you remember hearing before you fall asleep.
Inner beauty is what
your creativity is.
Thats why I love playing guitar. Because I can actually listen to the sound my soul makes by using an instrument. I love to paint because I cant actually see what my soul can creat by using my body as an instrument.
So I figured one day, if my soul can do these things to show how beautiful it really is, why cant my body reflect that?
I remember working at the American Red Cross. I hated that job. This job made me feel like shit. The company didn't treat their own with respect.
this is when i started gaining weight. we constantly traveled and we would stop at fast food and gas stations. we would only get a 15 minute break for lunch and that was it.
they would give us some time to travel together to the blood drives and they said they wouldnt give us lunches because travel time was considered break time.
so we'd work 14 hour shifts and only get 15 minutes for lunch. so meet at the job site at 11am drive for hours, set up the blood drive, do the draw, clean up go home and your home at 11 pm. next day is the same thing almost, wake up at 5am to be at the drive go home at 9pm, its like that 5-6 days a week.
so eating fast food was an only option.
so i gained and gained. i lived with my fiance chris. he was so mean. mean to my sister and brother in law. mean to me. mean to his mom and disrespected everyone even himself. I had fallen in love with someone who could not take care of himself.
he was dirty and rude. his mom taped his perscription medication to a calendar so he could remember to take it.
I ask myself why i stayed and it was because i was fat and tired and finally i had someone i could settle with. but it was because i didn't love myself enough to feel good about who my other half was going to be.
it was like a reflection. though i didnt act like him i felt just as disgusted about myself as he acted to everyone.
i was always riddled with guilt. i paid his debt off. so we could get married.
he stole my computer from me. and i hated who i was when i was with him. i allowed him to mistreat me, my friends, and my family. I still feel guilty
to this day about it.
then when i met juan he made me feel so good about myself. he flirted with me at work. i lied to him about chris and i breaking up so he could sleep with me. i was huge. new years i was 279 and big.  i wore a size 24 pants and 22 dress. i never wore dresses. i never had anything to wear.
i could feel my stretch marks actually growing. and i looked horrible in everything i wore.
when i moved in with juan it was remarkable. i changed my life. he did nothing found out later he cheated on me and did some fucked up things to me.
he was controlling and manipulative.
i decided i wanted to be thin. so i started working out and changed what i ate. i lost 100 pounds in one year. i went from 280 to 180. i lost the last 10 pounds because my ex- juan had made me feel so guilty about things i neglected to eat. i was so scared of him i didnt want to eat otherwise i'd throw up.
when i found out he cheated on me i left him
then when i left i gained 20 more pounds. i now weigh about 195.
im trying to lose this 15 pounds but its hard. i think i need to really let go of the anger and hurt i received from him. im calling this 15 pound gain baggage from my last relationship. i was sad a depressed. we were going to get married. he was already married. he lied about his age, money, mistress and god knows what else.
im with my new found honey right now dustin. he's great. a really sweet man. he's what i hoped to have found in another partner in life. all of the really great things.
i love who i am when im with him.
he's honest and real with me.
so real.
so thats where im at now. i just bought groceries and im hoping to get back on track tomorrow morning.
im doing this HCG thing. i got the drops from a friend. 1 pound a day.
my great friend amber is doing it too. she swears by it. she has been an inspiration to me since she was really big too and lost over 100 pounds. she says she had gained some weight and started HCG and loves it. I heard about apatrim.
i dont know i just wan my running shoes and i want to work out again. maybe ill do atkins. i dunno. well until tomorrow!! sa'lavei