i have yet to jump that scale today. i am really hoping i do good today. i would love to see 193 today. i will take 194 of course too but i would love to see a small number today.
i drank almost another gallon of water yesterday. and i didnt eat all my 20 net carbs. my face is really really warm to the touch and my urine smelled almost like cake the yesterday.
i had a screwed up dream last night. i was eating my favorite shrimp from panda express. well we went to this store and we were trying to steal things. but i had a bird with me in a cage and it was my bird. and this isnt the first time i have had a dream about a bird recently. now its a recurring thing. so i just looked up what bird in a dream meant:
Bird
To see birds in your dream, symbolizes your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds, represents joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders
then i was at this store with other people and i was eating my favorite food with them so i looked that up too
To dream that you are eating with others, signifies harmony, intimacy, merriness, prosperous undertakings, personal gain, and/or joyous spirits.
when i was eating with them i was thinking first i need to say no because i cant have that and i actually checked the carbs on the stuff before i ate it and it was very low so i just ate it!!
i love my walnut shrimp from panda but i have not had it since a month.
i know its tooo bad for me.
but in my dream i was mutually happy. for the most part it was a good dream.
i had a dream we bought a house the night before. and we were so happy dustin was off his rocker happy. it was sooo good to see him like that.
well here i go: drum roll please......................oh my GOD!!!!! 192!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that means i have lost 15 pounds in 18 days.
12 pounds left to go until i reach my 180 goal XD
GOAL 1: 197 MET!!! estimated hit date 9/5
GOAL 2: 192 MET!!! estimated hit date 9/10 hit 9/14
GOAL 3: 190 estimated hit date 9/12
GOAL 4: 188 estimated hit date 9/14
GOAL 5: 186 estimated hit date 9/16
GOAL 6: 184 estimated hit date 9/18
GOAL 7: 182 estimated hit date 9/20
GOAL 8: 180 estimated hit date 9/22
GOAL 9: 178 estimated hit date 9/24
GOAL 10: 176 estimated hit date 9/26
GOAL 11: 174 estimated hit date 9/28
GOAL 12: 172 estimated hit date 9/30
GOAL 13: 170 estimated hit date 10/2
GOAL 14: 168 estimated hit date 10/4
GOAL 15: 166 estimated hit date 10/6
GOAL 16: 164 estimated hit date 10/8
GOAL 17: 162 estimated hit date 10/10
GOAL 18: 160 estimated hit date 10/12
GOAL 19: 158 estimated hit date 10/14
GOAL 20: 156 estimated hit date 10/16
GOAL 21: 154 estimated hit date 10/18
GOAL 22: 153 estimated hit date 10/19
i love how my font changes LOL
so i feel great about that. i feel so happy that i lost the 15 lbs. 15!!!! oh shit!!! amazing!!! that means that i have only a few lbs to 180. that means i can reach 180 probably by the end of the month. ha ha ha im sitting here going jeez i would like to see 193 today or 194 and i hit 192!!! remarkable!!
outstanding!!! i feel so great about this. but i cant really jump up and down yet cause dustin is sleeping. i wanted to wake him up ahhhhH!!!! LOST15 FUCKING POUNDS!!!!
i am so impressed. dustin gave me a high five!!
i was just thinking of my friend and how she was literally freaking out saying how skinny i was getting. she was so impressed with me and my weight loss.
she told me if chris ever saw me he would be flipping out like why did i ever let her go!! lol
juan would be doing the same fucking thing too. im just saying at the end of the month i will be 180 again. that means my new pants wont fit and everything i own will be getting pretty saggy on me.
im so fucking happy. if i hit 190 tomorrow i think i will freak out. i dont think i will freak out until i see 188. then ill know im going the right way.
and then when i hit 179 that will be the thinnest i will ever have been.
and then 153 will be right around the corner and then i will start doing my maintenance. wow i need to go to my atkins bulletin board and write this down too
boyfriend is depressed and makes me feel kind of bad for having a life. he's like in this poor me stage. just like his mom. it bums me out. i dont know what to do and he's like wanting me to spend time with him but if he did chores during my work and school hours i would have more time for him during my off time.
i am really getting sick of people who are all about poor me status.
maybe because im not like that. i cant stand people who think that they cant be happy my boyfriend is like that right now. all he wants is attention from me and i have stuff i want to get done and stuff i need to get done then it makes me feel bad when he doesnt get it
god he is so angry about losing the house. his ex really fucked him over. hes losing the house because of her stupid ass. im telling him i am here for you and just tell me what i can do his pride and ego are at hurt right now. its fucked up.
he is given 4 months to pay about 10,000 dollars for the house and he's worried since he's unemployed that where will money come from if we leave. he just wants someone to take care of him. fuck that. im pissed now but i know i have to be supportive.
im fucking mad because he thinks i do nothing for him, but i took him out all the time, spent about 300 bucks on new clothes for him maybe more. gave him gas money bought 300 bucks worth of groceries, made him breakfast in bed, does his laundry cleans and cooks for his lazy ass but he is depressed and i have to be supportive.
what a hard time in my relationship. i feel like i might have to let go to progress some more.
or do i stay and work on this and try to work as hard as i can with 2 jobs so i can support us 2 just like i have done with my last 2 relationships.
is he worth it? well back in the day they were both worth it.
come to find out now no they werent
i dont know what i can do. he's angry right now in the shower.
i fucking hate this.
its only been 6 months.
things arent as bad as my last relationships because usually when we get done arguing we fix the problem right away and were good.
he's so angry about the house and doesnt know what to do next. im angry because i dont know how to fix it.
i think i need to move out.
then i think we need to stay here for as long as possible with free rent and then save our money to get a place to rent.
that is the smartest thing to do right now. i dont plan to go to nursing school until next year.
he needs to get a fucking job. he is so picky about where he'll work saying that he wont work for 9 bucks an hour. i say money is money and you get a job where you can. i make 9 bucks an hour and im making money its not a whole lot but it will do for now.
so from now until we need to leave i can save up some money and he can too.
i swear hes a jew. he's so upset about money and he has like 3 grand in the bank right now. he says when we leave that he doesnt want to spend his money on a new place. that it will make him angry if he has to use his saved money.
what the fuck. money is made to be spent.
is what i think. if you NEED A HOME SPEND THE MONEY!!!
its not wasting if you need to spend the money on somewhere to live. it is wasting money if you "need" to buy a pair of dolce and gobana sandals
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
so i ran today. one mile in about 11.5 minutes. i fucking rock!!!
i ran at 6.6 mph, for a few minutes and then kept an average of 6.0 mph i am getting a much better at my recovery time and my chest never hurts. my goal for next week is to cut that by .5 minutes. thats quite a bit but i know i can do it!!
today i had everything pretty much well planned out. i am doing sooooo good!! super proud of myself for all the right reasons <3 i love to run!!
i ran at 6.6 mph, for a few minutes and then kept an average of 6.0 mph i am getting a much better at my recovery time and my chest never hurts. my goal for next week is to cut that by .5 minutes. thats quite a bit but i know i can do it!!
today i had everything pretty much well planned out. i am doing sooooo good!! super proud of myself for all the right reasons <3 i love to run!!
Monday, August 16, 2010
70%
When i first started losing weight i was at 279 exact. I had always wanted to lose weight and tried every diet. Before being successful in my journey the only thing any one ever helped me with was helping me feel nasty about myself.
When they say fix your relationship with food first then things will fall into place they were right.
I was always a very heavy kid.
I remember being a size 14 in the 2nd grade.
My mom drank a lot and she separated from my dad who was adicted to hard core drugs. addiction often runs in families, I believe that instead of being an alcoholic I became addicted to food.
Growing up in los angeles was horrific. I was a minority and I was fat. Everyone made fun of me. even if it was a joke it wasnt funny. I could never take a joke. My mom would pinch my fat and say, "whats this fat ass!" or ask me why I waddled all the time.
my sister was the skinny one. i was always jealous of her. wanting to be thin.
our childhood together was a sad one, but i dont really want to go into details since this is a blog about my weight loss.
I've had to cope with a lot of heart ache.
i eventually found that with exercise it helps me emotionally get through these barriers.
well i remember when i moved to utah from LA thats when i first started really trying to lose the weight.
All the girls in highschool were super skinny and they all had what i didnt. I wanted it. I wanted it all. I always thought that having it all gave me life.
I later found out that its not. Having it all doesn't mean happiness. It's finding yourself and inner beauty.
When someone first said "inner beauty" i thought they meant, after all the fat you'll be pretty. Inner beauty is the soul. Inner beauty is the thought, light and glow about your personality.
Inner beauty is that last voice in your head, you remember hearing before you fall asleep.
Inner beauty is what
your creativity is.
Thats why I love playing guitar. Because I can actually listen to the sound my soul makes by using an instrument. I love to paint because I cant actually see what my soul can creat by using my body as an instrument.
So I figured one day, if my soul can do these things to show how beautiful it really is, why cant my body reflect that?
I remember working at the American Red Cross. I hated that job. This job made me feel like shit. The company didn't treat their own with respect.
this is when i started gaining weight. we constantly traveled and we would stop at fast food and gas stations. we would only get a 15 minute break for lunch and that was it.
they would give us some time to travel together to the blood drives and they said they wouldnt give us lunches because travel time was considered break time.
so we'd work 14 hour shifts and only get 15 minutes for lunch. so meet at the job site at 11am drive for hours, set up the blood drive, do the draw, clean up go home and your home at 11 pm. next day is the same thing almost, wake up at 5am to be at the drive go home at 9pm, its like that 5-6 days a week.
so eating fast food was an only option.
so i gained and gained. i lived with my fiance chris. he was so mean. mean to my sister and brother in law. mean to me. mean to his mom and disrespected everyone even himself. I had fallen in love with someone who could not take care of himself.
he was dirty and rude. his mom taped his perscription medication to a calendar so he could remember to take it.
I ask myself why i stayed and it was because i was fat and tired and finally i had someone i could settle with. but it was because i didn't love myself enough to feel good about who my other half was going to be.
it was like a reflection. though i didnt act like him i felt just as disgusted about myself as he acted to everyone.
i was always riddled with guilt. i paid his debt off. so we could get married.
he stole my computer from me. and i hated who i was when i was with him. i allowed him to mistreat me, my friends, and my family. I still feel guilty
to this day about it.
then when i met juan he made me feel so good about myself. he flirted with me at work. i lied to him about chris and i breaking up so he could sleep with me. i was huge. new years i was 279 and big. i wore a size 24 pants and 22 dress. i never wore dresses. i never had anything to wear.
i could feel my stretch marks actually growing. and i looked horrible in everything i wore.
when i moved in with juan it was remarkable. i changed my life. he did nothing found out later he cheated on me and did some fucked up things to me.
he was controlling and manipulative.
i decided i wanted to be thin. so i started working out and changed what i ate. i lost 100 pounds in one year. i went from 280 to 180. i lost the last 10 pounds because my ex- juan had made me feel so guilty about things i neglected to eat. i was so scared of him i didnt want to eat otherwise i'd throw up.
when i found out he cheated on me i left him
then when i left i gained 20 more pounds. i now weigh about 195.
im trying to lose this 15 pounds but its hard. i think i need to really let go of the anger and hurt i received from him. im calling this 15 pound gain baggage from my last relationship. i was sad a depressed. we were going to get married. he was already married. he lied about his age, money, mistress and god knows what else.
im with my new found honey right now dustin. he's great. a really sweet man. he's what i hoped to have found in another partner in life. all of the really great things.
i love who i am when im with him.
he's honest and real with me.
so real.
so thats where im at now. i just bought groceries and im hoping to get back on track tomorrow morning.
im doing this HCG thing. i got the drops from a friend. 1 pound a day.
my great friend amber is doing it too. she swears by it. she has been an inspiration to me since she was really big too and lost over 100 pounds. she says she had gained some weight and started HCG and loves it. I heard about apatrim.
i dont know i just wan my running shoes and i want to work out again. maybe ill do atkins. i dunno. well until tomorrow!! sa'lavei
When they say fix your relationship with food first then things will fall into place they were right.
I was always a very heavy kid.
I remember being a size 14 in the 2nd grade.
My mom drank a lot and she separated from my dad who was adicted to hard core drugs. addiction often runs in families, I believe that instead of being an alcoholic I became addicted to food.
Growing up in los angeles was horrific. I was a minority and I was fat. Everyone made fun of me. even if it was a joke it wasnt funny. I could never take a joke. My mom would pinch my fat and say, "whats this fat ass!" or ask me why I waddled all the time.
my sister was the skinny one. i was always jealous of her. wanting to be thin.
our childhood together was a sad one, but i dont really want to go into details since this is a blog about my weight loss.
I've had to cope with a lot of heart ache.
i eventually found that with exercise it helps me emotionally get through these barriers.
well i remember when i moved to utah from LA thats when i first started really trying to lose the weight.
All the girls in highschool were super skinny and they all had what i didnt. I wanted it. I wanted it all. I always thought that having it all gave me life.
I later found out that its not. Having it all doesn't mean happiness. It's finding yourself and inner beauty.
When someone first said "inner beauty" i thought they meant, after all the fat you'll be pretty. Inner beauty is the soul. Inner beauty is the thought, light and glow about your personality.
Inner beauty is that last voice in your head, you remember hearing before you fall asleep.
Inner beauty is what
your creativity is.
Thats why I love playing guitar. Because I can actually listen to the sound my soul makes by using an instrument. I love to paint because I cant actually see what my soul can creat by using my body as an instrument.
So I figured one day, if my soul can do these things to show how beautiful it really is, why cant my body reflect that?
I remember working at the American Red Cross. I hated that job. This job made me feel like shit. The company didn't treat their own with respect.
this is when i started gaining weight. we constantly traveled and we would stop at fast food and gas stations. we would only get a 15 minute break for lunch and that was it.
they would give us some time to travel together to the blood drives and they said they wouldnt give us lunches because travel time was considered break time.
so we'd work 14 hour shifts and only get 15 minutes for lunch. so meet at the job site at 11am drive for hours, set up the blood drive, do the draw, clean up go home and your home at 11 pm. next day is the same thing almost, wake up at 5am to be at the drive go home at 9pm, its like that 5-6 days a week.
so eating fast food was an only option.
so i gained and gained. i lived with my fiance chris. he was so mean. mean to my sister and brother in law. mean to me. mean to his mom and disrespected everyone even himself. I had fallen in love with someone who could not take care of himself.
he was dirty and rude. his mom taped his perscription medication to a calendar so he could remember to take it.
I ask myself why i stayed and it was because i was fat and tired and finally i had someone i could settle with. but it was because i didn't love myself enough to feel good about who my other half was going to be.
it was like a reflection. though i didnt act like him i felt just as disgusted about myself as he acted to everyone.
i was always riddled with guilt. i paid his debt off. so we could get married.
he stole my computer from me. and i hated who i was when i was with him. i allowed him to mistreat me, my friends, and my family. I still feel guilty
to this day about it.
then when i met juan he made me feel so good about myself. he flirted with me at work. i lied to him about chris and i breaking up so he could sleep with me. i was huge. new years i was 279 and big. i wore a size 24 pants and 22 dress. i never wore dresses. i never had anything to wear.
i could feel my stretch marks actually growing. and i looked horrible in everything i wore.
when i moved in with juan it was remarkable. i changed my life. he did nothing found out later he cheated on me and did some fucked up things to me.
he was controlling and manipulative.
i decided i wanted to be thin. so i started working out and changed what i ate. i lost 100 pounds in one year. i went from 280 to 180. i lost the last 10 pounds because my ex- juan had made me feel so guilty about things i neglected to eat. i was so scared of him i didnt want to eat otherwise i'd throw up.
when i found out he cheated on me i left him
then when i left i gained 20 more pounds. i now weigh about 195.
im trying to lose this 15 pounds but its hard. i think i need to really let go of the anger and hurt i received from him. im calling this 15 pound gain baggage from my last relationship. i was sad a depressed. we were going to get married. he was already married. he lied about his age, money, mistress and god knows what else.
im with my new found honey right now dustin. he's great. a really sweet man. he's what i hoped to have found in another partner in life. all of the really great things.
i love who i am when im with him.
he's honest and real with me.
so real.
so thats where im at now. i just bought groceries and im hoping to get back on track tomorrow morning.
im doing this HCG thing. i got the drops from a friend. 1 pound a day.
my great friend amber is doing it too. she swears by it. she has been an inspiration to me since she was really big too and lost over 100 pounds. she says she had gained some weight and started HCG and loves it. I heard about apatrim.
i dont know i just wan my running shoes and i want to work out again. maybe ill do atkins. i dunno. well until tomorrow!! sa'lavei
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